I’ve met so many people in this past month, made so many connections, and had so much fun. Approximately 7 months ago I rejoined (my first foray was January 2010) the kink community and I haven’t looked back. I never should have left in the first place, but I needed time to grow and mature. I needed to figure out what I want, what I’m looking for, and more importantly how to say no to the things I do not want or have time for.
Right now I’m learning to juggle my relationships and friendships without hurting anyone or myself in the process. I’ve got a bad habit of ignoring red flags and burning bridges which sucks for everyone.
I’m having great fun meeting amazing people, but hushing the insecure and anxious voices in my head is a full time job. I can’t help but feel just a little bit heart broken after every amazing encounter. I can’t help but push people away, because there’s no way we made that connection, the chemistry was all in my head, there must have been some mistake, no one in their right mind could feel the same about me. Who was real, and who wasn’t?
So right now I am just torn. Should I become colder in order to feel less pain? Or am I supposed to just deal with it, because these are human connections that help me learn and grow into a well balanced human being? Staying in and never meeting anyone new again is NOT an option.
Mr. Mouse: I came back for you. I love you as a friend and a lover, and when the latter stops I hope the former will always remain. My only hope is that I can do right by you and not hurt you – and the other way round as well.
Big bad: Was never attracted to you, but you seduced me when you let me bite you. I like your flower too, but things always had an air of something off. When you laughed at me and belittled me outside of play, I lost all respect for you and your abilities.
Trigger happy Jack: You are dominant, mellow, sexy and fun. I had you in my sights, initiated contact, and got you. This was a rush in itself, and made me forgive an unforgivable act. We might not have much in common, but I felt we had chemistry. Communication faded fast with you, and it’s for the better.
Glasses: You approached me. Physically, you are not attractive to me, your hair is wrong and you are so tall, but we seemed to click in our date. We spoke and had fun. You were nice and not too weird and only slightly douchey. (I blame the glasses.) You are intelligent, so of course I fear manipulation and have feelings of insecurity. We will have chances to hang out more often, and I hope it turns out well.
Dionysus: I had no idea what to expect from you. You are also not what I usually find attractive – I am not a fan of facial hair, but I like your slight build. You came out of nowhere and rocked my world. Was it because of the spontaneity? Most likely. But you still can’t fake chemistry; we weren’t the only ones that saw it. You are also kind and experienced. I hope our other encounters meet the bar that we set so high.
Spider: Because I felt like a bug captured in your web. My Mouse hooked me up with this one. Neither of us knew what to expect, and I don’t think we were attracted to each other to begin with. You did this as a favor. Turns out, we got along swimmingly and had a lot of fun, but I’m sure you are just that damn charismatic with anyone else. I’ll be a bug in your web any day!